Letter #23: I’m Not Ok

 

Dear Michael, 

It still just doesn’t feel real…I have spent most of the day trying to make everything make sense, but it doesn’t. He is still dead and I am still filled with grief. I have found myself a few times today trying to write this letter to you but stopping. Every time I begin to think about what happened I can’t help but cry. There are moments where I feel I can not even physically move when faced with the reality of His death. 

I’m not ok… 

From the little bit I have been able to find out today it seems the rumors are true, Jesus was betrayed by one of His disciples. Which one I do not know. But one of His disciples were found dead outside the city walls not long after Jesus was killed. Judas was his name I believe. I wonder if any other of His disciples made it out alive or if they suffered the same fate. Either way, I can’t imagine what they are going through right now. I didn’t even know the man like that and I am a mess, yet they lived with Him daily. God be with them.

I still remember the day you and Jonathan talked me into going to hear this man name Jesus. We went to this mountain where He was teaching and at first I was skeptical about it. I just thought this was going to be another revolutionary trying to rally the troops against Rome again. Yet as I listened to His teachings…something was different. He didn’t just speak scripture, the matter in which He spoke was as if He wrote the very words. He said that He had come to accomplish the Law itself. Who speaks likes this? Either He is a lunatic who wants to die, or He is who He claims to be…Messiah. He told us that, “We have heard it been said…” yet He declared a better way than that which Moses gave us. Anger, Revenge, Loving our enemies, He spoke about it all. I might of came as a skeptic, but I left as one who wanted to know more of what this man had to say. 

After a while I believed Him to be the Messiah we have been waiting for. I believed that He was who He claimed to be, the Son of God! And this is why I am struggling as I am. If I am being completely honest Michael, most moments of sadness turn to rage towards Him. I trusted and believed in Him. He was to bring in the Messianic age of peace and wealth to Israel. But how can He do that lying dead in a tomb! HE WAS THE ONE MICHAEL! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO KILL HIM! I didn’t just believe Jesus, I gave up much at times to live as He taught. I sacrificed much for Him. 

Even though I struggle with this and tell myself to just forget Him and His teachings I can’t. There is something in me that holds on tightly to that which He said. As much as the facts in front of me tell me He isn’t Messiah for He is dead, I am holding onto something. In all reality I don’t know what it is. For the lack of a better term it feels a lot like Hope. Hope that this isn’t the end, that there is more in store…I sure want that to be true. 

With today being Sabbath not much was able to be done. Tomorrow I will write again hopefully with more details about all of this. One thing I ask, please write to Jonathan. As I am not doing well you can believe that he isn’t either. The little bit of time we spent together was that of tears. Until I get to see you again, 

Your friend, 

Ananias